First thing, this is not my work, I stole it from the Demonland site, where it was posted by a correspondent called pantaloons, but thought it was relevant and a good insight into the workings of the Evil Emperor's mind:
"What an exclusive I can break to you all on demonland. Andrew
Demetriou's email addressing all things tanking to Adrian Anderson.
Major news. Here we go:
Yo Adrian,
How's it going? Things are pretty sweet up here at the Olympics in
London. I went to the badminton last night - awesome. Got some
autographs at the basketball. But I could go on and on about the awesome
time I'm having. I hear there have been some dramas around tanking in
the last couple of days. Boy, thought we'd heard the last of this one.
Oh well, I wrote this letter during the men's 100m freestyle final, so
if you could put this out as a press release that'd be just great. Just
edit where necessary. Try to make me look funny.
"Dear media members, AFL fans and employees who are back home enjoying
our great game while I conduct important business in London. It is with
great sadness that I must inform you that the AFL has today decided to
administer some penalties in light of public comments made recently by
Northern Bullants player Rock McLean. As a consequence, we have decided
to harshly penalise the Melbourne Football Club for their flagrant
tanking in, well, pretty much any game between 2007 and 2012. But more
on that later.
Sadly, while strenuously digging around for evidence of Melbourne's foul
play, we have discovered that they were not alone. It is with a heavy
heart that the AFL hands down the following penalties to various clubs
for breaches of the newly created Tanking Act:
Carlton: The Blues appear to have been the trailblazer for Melbourne's
rorting. You can't tell me the Cruiser (look, I can't spell his name -
you don't think having to deal with the pronunciation of bloody R Nahas
on Brownlw night is enough?) Cup wasn't a little fishy. I seem to
remember T Johnstone having something like 67 possessions and 6 Brownlow
votes on the night. Total debacle. Where was Fev? No, not literally - I
couldn't care less what he was doing at Crown that night - why was he
dropped for the last 9 games? As a penalty, Carlton will be forced to
swap their #1 pick from 2007, the aforementioned Cruiser, with
Melbourne's #4 pick, Cale Morton. My apologies to Cruiser and his
family.
Collingwood: It's very sad (but hilarious when considering what Eddie's
reaction will be) to acknowledge, but Collingwood have been found guilty
of some shenanigans of their own. Hmm, losing the last 9 games of 2005
while stuck on 5 wins eh? Didn't think we'd pick up on that one, did
you? And just two years removed from back to back grand final chokes no
less. Collecting Thomas at 2 and Pendlebury at 5 was a hefty return.
Given that Pendlebury won the 2010 Norm Smith, and no one was fooled by
calling him Embleberry up there on the stage, we've decided to strip the
Pies of the 2010 premiership. (Adrian, let me know when it's safe to
come home. PS. Don't read that last bit out.)
Hawthorn: Like Collingwood, the Hawks will have to surrender their most
recent premiership triumph. Such was their willingness to send players
off for season-ending operations in 2004 in great number, numerous
children missed out on hospital beds for life-saving operations. Please
note, steel reinforcement has been added to the walls of the MCG coaches
boxes.
West Coast: See the last two. 2006 premiership cup: gone. Blatant
malarkey required to get into position to draft Chris Judd, let alone
NicNat. Couldn't get em for 'recreational reasons' in 2006, nailed em
here.
Adelaide: the Crows will be forfeiting the 1997 premiership. Before half
of SA chokes on a Farmers Union iced coffee, squealing about not doing
anything wrong, ask yourselves - how many times has Shane Ellen played
in the forwardline before or since the '97 Grand Final? Positional
experimentation is for after hours, not grand finals, thank you very
much.
St. Kilda and the Bulldogs: One premiership each? Really? Nice try. You now have zero each.
Richmond: like the last two, you are an embarrassment to the
competition, and not just for introducing the roar-o-meter to the AFL.
Two finals appearances since 1982, and this in an era when we've rigged
it so half the teams make the finals. We punish Richmond and its
supporters by allowing the club to continue as is.
Brisbane: You weren't fooling anyone with the 'we only want 8 Fitzroy
players' shtick. What, couldn't find a spot for Jason Ramsey or Brent
Frewen? Could have been a five-peat (we would have bankrolled it too).
You lose the 2001 premiership. Well, no, we need the game in Queensland.
Just change your logo, would you? It makes me hungry.
Essendon: since 2008, only Richmond and Essendon have disgraced the stae
of Victoria by losing to Melbourne. You want to debate that Michael
Hurley s better than Jack Watts? Fine, he's a Melbourne player now.
Fremantle: LOL! All the advantages afforded to an interstate club in an
AFL-mad city and you've made the finals thrice? For being the perennial
skidmarks on the AFL's underpants for 18 years and without any
accomplishments to remove the Dockers must revert to their original
clown suit uniform.
Port Adelaide: playing the kids eh? Hmm, Chad Cornes and Dean Brogan
excelling at GWS - clearly flogging players off before their use by
date. AFL license is hereby revoked. (Adrian: phew, that was easy - I've
been wanting to do that for a while).
Geelong: one of the more I sickening cases of tanking I've seen. The
corruption not only of the sport, but of the female womb. How long did
it take to establish this "father-son academy"? How many women tanked
themselves out of regular relationships to take part in this production
line of prodigies? All three premierships from the modern era are hereby
removed.
Sydney: (just leave this bit out, Adrian. No one will count the teams anyway).
And so we come to Melbourne. This hotbed of treachery and asking is met
with the swift hand of the law. All premiership points for 2012 to be
stripped, and their #1 pick from 2009 taken away. They will however be
given an additional priority pick at the start of the first round in
consequence of their third wooden spoon in five years.
We hope this is a warning to all teams, not just Melbourne, of the seriousness of tanking.
Yours sincerely,
Sir Andrew Demetriou (just watched the equestrian with the Queen - think I talked her into it)"
Thanks Adrian -AD"
Both Juzzy and Ian have to catch up 2 games on Fordy this week to win the Cup, due to having inferior margin tallies. I can't see it with the games on offer, but then I picked 4 last week.
