2014

Preliminaries

Everything's coming to a very exiting climax... The Bachelor, X Factor and PunchDrunk Finals. Oh, and the footy. Here's the next chapter:

Weekend of upsets last weekend. No-one more upset than Andy and Juzzy.

And this (below) is as close as we'll get to understanding what's going on.

SEMI'S.

2 fewer Drunks following last week's outings.
We'd obviously had our fill of Phils by last week, cos we lost both of them, Taffs and Smith.

 In the rush to get the tips out at the end of the day last Friday I got not one, not two but THREE tips wrong. We got them sorted by score time and ultimately no damage done, but apologies all round

One of those games was the Swans v Freo game, where Lloydy had it right up until the last kick of the game, an after the siren behind to the Swans.

And here's the lay of the land from here on in. Lex and Bobcat Sam are sitting in their preliminary chairs already waiting for their adversaries to get through this week.

Save the date

THE LEX-FACTOR

This tantalising season comes to an end with Lex standing triumphant at the top of a huge pile of Drunks.

This year was one of the closest I can recall, with about 4 weeks to go any one of about 12 Drunks were in genuine contention. Even in the final week there were about 5 real chances depending on who rolled the dice, how the cards fell and how big the roulette wheel was.
6 weeks out, Lex was still out of the top 8 and Ando who finished 3rd was sitting around 16th (a few weeks before that he was about 24th, we're still waiting on his test results from the lab).

The final round saw Lloydy give it a red-hot go. He zigged when most zagged 3 times, winning 2, losing 1. If he won all 3, I think that means he would have pulled of a storming win.


So congrats, and a huge pile of cash to Lex, she led early in the season, drifted off the pace just a tad mid-season, then made her decisive move in round 20, when she also took out a very healthy jackpot, and leapt back to her rightful spot where she would never be headed.

I've just noticed I haven't updated the totals on these damn ladders, will fix asap.

FINALS

Congrats to the top 8, you now go straight into the finals campaign.
Here are your games this week. Basically the format follows the AFL finals Higgs-Bosun method or whatever they use.
I'll check and see who's pre-paid and who owes, but go at it Drunks:

The final head is done. Grand Final crooners, the apallingly bad and the good (well, memorable). The image of Meatloaf vomiting tunelessly into his mic only slightly less indelible than Angry's spin in the Batmobile.

Harv picked up both heads again, Taffa had a valiant crack, but his Neil Craig, Daniel Craig, Joel Edgerton combo fell just short, as has Taffa throughout the season.

Celeb Head has been an on-going campaign most years for the best part of 11 or 12 years and Harv has won them all. Except for the year Nick Weller tasked the whole JWT creative department with solving the Head each week, even then it was a close-run thing with Harv hot on their heels.

As a campaign the Heads have had legs, but those legs have run out of legs, so I reckon this is the end of an era.

Congrats to Harv, I'd love to say you win a New Car or a Telly or a Bertocchi Ham or something. But  you don't.

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY DRUNKS

We have a WINNER.
Lloydy was involved in everything this week. He gave the PunchDrunk Cup a good long hard look, gave it a red-hot go, made up ground, fell short.
BUT he pulled of a sensational win in the Dreamteam Comp over Jim's 'Cheesedale'.
Lloydy's Lads 2259 v Cheesedal 1957.

I'll go through the records and see how many that is for him now. Just a sec, I'll be back...

Yep that's right, Lloydy lost last year by 10 points to Sammy.
He lost the previous year by 57 points to Jim.
So this must be a victory like no other for him. Vengeance, the coldest, most deliciousest dish of all.

Congrats Andy

Battle-ground Earth. The final countdown. Survival of the Fittest. Who will roll the dice? And any other mixed metaphors you may care to throw in.

And so it comes to this. Here we all are sandwiched between an Alexis and an Alex.

How did this happen? I hear you ask. It's quite simple - they are either better than us, or worse than us. And we are only as good as us.


(Alex is there, he's just fallen back and dropped off the chart is all).

BUT wait, there is still one round for a challenger to emerge spectre-like from the shadows. A Steven Bradbury brandishing a sharpened ice-skate rising form the ice-floe.

The final round or two are traditionally full of upsets (clearly lacking last week, where 44% of all tipsters got either a perfect 9 or an 8). The trick of course is to select where the upset will fall.

Lex is doubly well-placed. She has a lower margin total than her immediate rivals and a one game buffer. It's going to take guts, a lot of luck or a very big bribe to pull it off.

For the record Lex is only bettered in the points total by Derek (other than those way lower down who have received multiple zeros by not entering their tips). Bob Catter needs to make up one game and do 41 points better tonight. Ando needs 1 game and a miracle or to make up 2 games, Matt needs 2 games and a 37 point improvement, and Lloydy, Taffa, Phil and Juzzy need a goddam miracle.

Juzzy of course goes by the nom-de-tip of The Devil, and he may have the contacts to pull it off. If you get scared easily turn away now. Here's Juzzy's status as we speak. Just check out his total points, or I guess you could call it the The Devil's number...

And also there's all the proof you need that the Devil can't be photographed too.

Good luck and good tipping to all. Good luck to the Tigers.
Good riddance to another joyless and sapping home and away season for me and my boys.

The final battle in a parallel universe...

Apologies to all League of Drunks Dreamteamers. My negligence has known no bounds this year.

I'll split the blame between myself, and the shit set-up the AFL had this year. I spent the first half of the season basically either unable to access the main Fantasy site due to traffic/slow servers, unable to access from my phone cos they push you to their app, which stopped working at all on my phone after a couple of weeks because I had an 18 month old iPhone. Frankly I got so fwustwated I lost total interest.

Just one of the many ways in which the League is diluting footy pleasure by adding layers of shit which just get in the way of simple enjoyment. "Come and watch your fantasy players LIVE" indeed!

But final rant done, we are now about to witness greatness. Lloydy's Lads v Cheesedale. Andy Lloyd against Jim Richo in a fight to the death. Just like last year. I can't remember off the top of my head who lived and died last year. But this time it's for real.

Here's how the finals have panned out so far:

Yep, that's a maggot right there!

Last week's head was a juicy combo of George Pell and a Maggot.

 
I know what you're thinking, "where does one head end and the other begin?" or maybe, "What a seamless piece of photoshop. Are there really two different heads combined there?"

Well, yes, ladies and germs, two heads, one species. That's art mirroring reality once again.

If pieces of shit had heads I may have used that instead of the hapless maggot. Why demean maggots by comparing them to Big George, the truck-drivers' friend?

Well, here's a turn-up. Harv didn't trouble the scorer, Taffa got one therby going some way towards bridging the gap. With thankfully one head to go, reckon Harv's safe:

Round 21 all washed up.

We're nearly there now folks. Elvis left the building for me months back. It didn't stop me from further damaging my psyche on sunday by going to what was, I kid you not, THE absolutely worst game of football ever played by human beings, and I've seen more than my fair share of them over the past 5 years.

No big moves this week. Fordy could have jumped to the top rung on friday night if his Blues had managed to hold out the Cats. The umps have been fielding irate calls and rude emails from him all week.
Ando continues his viagra-like rise, now in third. 
What to expect this week?

 

Pretty straightforward this one. The delusional, the axe-grinders and the martyred all mashed up as they should be.

Both Taffa and Harv got 3/3.

I think I'm going to call this: I reckon Harv's got it.

R20 wash-up: What just happened?

Suddenly everything's changed. A week's a long time in footy tipping. 3 different leaders in 3 weeks.

Now, early leader Lex, who seemed to get mid-season weariness and took a little holiday, has more than sprung back into contention, she's pole-vaulted from 12th to first again in the past 4 weeks, taking out a very healthy Jackpot of $180 on the way through. She's now one game clear of the pack and looking mean.

On top of that, apart from Sam 'Bob Catter' who's been thereabout for weeks, suddenly it's Fordy and more surprisingly Ando, who's jumped from 26th to 4th (in, what is that? 5 weeks?) that look the next most likely. I think Ando's been getting some tips from his old mate Steve Dank.

Heads and Balls

The last head was all about beating Harv, at any cost. It worked, but now I feel a little dirty.

3 Heads, not 2. Each one a twin. But which twin from each pair?

Eagle Mitch Brown, not his Magpie bro. Steve Febey, not Matt, even though it looks a little like him. And Donald Cockatoo-Collins, I'm sure you remember him and his twin David. I think they got 3 games between them, but if my memory serves they played one game together in the same team as both the Febeys. I think that may be worth remembering next time you want a trivia question.

Seems neither Harv nor Taffa got close. Harv had nuthin', Taffa went for Goddard, when I told him it was a combo of 3 heads he went for 3 Goddards.

Round about 19. Pretty exciting at the top. All I can see from where I am is other peoples arses.

Last week's form guide is either totally out of date already, or completely prescient. I haven't looked back to check to honest.

So, I turned the telly on last night at about 7.55 and there was a footy game about to start. Who  knew? Most of you did apparently. No-one told me, it was a thursday for godsake.

Anyway, Telstra had disconnected all my phones and internet yesterday morning, they do that now if you're 2 weeks overdue apparently. Just cut you off. And charge you for a reconnection. And they can't answer a fucking phone within 25 minutes. Ever, And then they tell you 'the system's down, please call back later' after you've already waited for half an hour.

The worst thing is when they do call you to tell you you're overdue, you answer the phone and there's a robot on the other end who checks your credentials (Hey, you fucking called me, robot. On MY phone, I should be the one checking your credentials. When your birthdate arsefaced tin-head?). Then they put you on hold for ages 'til they can find a human. Is it just me who thinks that's rude? Anyway I have no time for that, I'm a busy man, so I hang up. Robot cries.

So anyway, because the Telstra robot hates me and cut me off in the morning I had really slow internet in the evening. Hence I couldn't get my tip in in the last 48 seconds before they bounced the ball. Hence my default tip was Carlton to win by zero points. I would have got it too if that deadshit Wood hadn't passed it to Freo's Neale with 90 seconds to go. Goal. No wonder he can't get a game.

And another thing, why did Carlton get to wear their home jumper? As the away team? Because it's not an even playing field that's why.

It's snowing outside. I have to walk to the tram soon.

But in good news, for some, here's the ladder:



Check it out. Phil Smith's made a audacious dive for the front, Lex has pulled 6 from somewhere miraculous in a 3 kinda round, Franco's lurched from the edge of nowhere to the fringe of fabulous. And bugger me backwards, Ando, who I had in my sights as I sought to jump into the top 25, has pulled out 2 psycho weeks and found himself 2 games from victory.

I'll never understand how this thing works.

When I put these heads together it was vaguely topical. That was then, this is now. The AFL has conspired with itself to make this as passé now as... well as passé as the AFL, by sticking an extra weekend into last week. God. When will this season end? 2 or 3 weeks back there was a World Cup. From memory the Germans won. Joachim Loew was the Svengali behind the win. No-one cares anymore. It was quite a comforting thing actually, they looked just a pack of stringy white krauts from the 70's. They did a monkey dance mocking the Argentinians like they would have in the 40's. If you're on a good thing....

Roosy's there because, just like JiggaLoew, he looks good in slacks and a brown bob.

I'll tell you who's on a good thing... Harv. 2 more this week.
You got to hand it to Taffa he keeps trying. He went for Bomber Thompson this week. He either needs to get over his Essadun-hATE thing (I can talk) or get new glasses.

R17: A Bob each way... the form guide

The Drunk Ladder is a fascinating little slice of life. Equal parts display of expectation and surprise. A contrast between the Haves, the Have-nots, the Hopeful and the Hopeless.

With 5 rounds to go, and that's 45 games, I think we can start to make some assumptions about who might or might not be able to be carried into contention on the coat-tails of their dreams, or momentum.

Taken from the top...
Bob Catter, adopted from the Cattery some 10 or so years ago (a guess), has been there-abouts several times over the years, yet from memory may have finished stone-motherless last year or so. He knows footy but I don't recall be him leading at this stage of the year. It's a lead of one solitary game, but someone has to take it from him. Having said that, there's a queue of seven who can best him if he takes 2 mis-steps they don't. Can he hold his nerve?

Phil Taffs. Extraordinarily Taffa retired from the Drunk 3 or 4 years ago and I honestly never thought he'd be back. He wasn't much good really, and he's a Blues man. I'm not going to do any research here so bear with me, but I doubt he's finished above about 22nd before. Never looked like it. Now he's sitting where? 2nd? It's interesting that Taffa's main hobby at the moment is bagging out The Dons and their 'mystery' program. Maybe he's been on a program of his own? Taffa will get into me for all this, there's nothing surer.

Andy Lloyd. Came to us unwashed and only partly loved about 4 or 5 years ago. Has already done a lot of damage in the DreamTeam, my brain tells me he's won it at least once but it's a fickle thing. (DreamTeam and my brain). Lloydy walked through the Drunk door with somewhat disarming and quietly confident swagger. He'll win one year. Maybe this one?

Phil Smith. Jeez what is it with the Phils this year? Phil's been part of the furniture around here for probably nigh on 20 years. Comes from Adelaide, lives in Sydney, barracks for Melbourne. He's obviously put all those individual misfortunes behind him this year and he's out to win it. I reckon he'd be lucky to have finished top 20 before (read the above point about no research done, sometimes the gut is mightier than the brain).

Tassy Kontogiannis. Has won at least twice. Is consistently thereabouts. Officially won The Funniest Person on Facebook Award at least twice, but don't let that fool you, he will take the unaware down and eat their spleen. Then he'll remember he's vegetarian and spit it out again. Don't turn your back on him.

Andrew Curtain. Been Drunk for at least 23 years. Only Kurtz and the etchings on the Cup can remember if he's actually won it in that time. I suspect he has, I could look it up on Wikipedia I guess. Kurtz is pretty much always in China or a canal boat in France so not sure how he gets so close, but, with his lifestyle, he clearly doesn't really need to win.

Matt Drew. Still pulls on the boots. Seems to be always sitting between 6-8th. Don't know how because he spends 18 hours a day stalking Chris Judd. Last seen in a fetching red dress with a neckline that plunged way too low (Matty, this could help). Could win/place/make finals/bomb out.

Craig Ford. Won this 2 years ago (3?) and still no-one's ever seen him. He's come from the clouds and if you're a believer in trajectory he'll win by about 10. He wants his Cup.

Alexis Bebbington. 2nd year player, finishing just above mid-field last year. Deserves special bravery commendation for joining the Drunk after meeting not only a bunch of us, but also Bernie's toothless mate Troy. Was an early leader and seems over her mid-season wobbles. May yet be the first female Drunk champ.

Franco Schena. Has more Drunk Cup wins than his Magpies have teeth. Was leading. Got the Colliwobbles. Familiar story. Close enough if good enough. Seems to win it every 2 or 3 years so you'd think he's due.

Paul Hoyne. Another 2nd year player. Blues fan sent to the Northern Frontier in the mid 80s as a scout. Thought we'd lost him to the tribes but word came back he was alive and slowly converting the no-necks. Apparently he personally saved this old white-haired guy from an after-life in limbo. But can he win the Drunk? Yes and No.

Justin 'JuzzyG' Graham. Another Sydney Drunk. Last seen talking to sailors at the Slip Inn in Sussex St, but still getting his tips in, which is important. 3rd or maybe 4th year with us and always in contention. By the way, I haven't checked the cost for freighting The Auld Mugge up to Sin City, but if it's this year I'm sure Fat-Boy Hockey will lend us a quid, he's a super-nice fella.

Derek V2 Schneider. More familiar being down the other end of the stairs, but giving it a jolly-good shake this year. Last weekend was Big. His Tigers won big, Germany won the World Cup... and Dirk got 4 in the Drunk, sliding down somewhat. Almost the perfect weekend. BUT Dirk's tipping credo has always been 'Tip what everyone else doesn't tip'. This year he's close enough that it just may work, Big Time.

One more: Current champ Jim 'Richo' Richardson. Either caught napping or sobering up after last year's glory, he'd been written off. BUT look at that duck-egg blue line snaking its way up the chart. That, my friends is trajectory. Could be the winner, or Challenger just before... you know...
If anyone else sticks their hand up I'll deal with them next week or so, including Trobby who's also flying of late. Reckon that's most likely good rock-star drugs from Berlin though.

 

A few weeks back we had this head combo. In the past couple of decades the Hawks have twice replaced an ailing coach with a fill-in. With no small amount of success it has to be said.

I think it was just Harv who got points, and 2 of them, for getting both Hawks-in-waiting correct. You don't really want me to go scrounging through emails for any other correct entries do you?

Round 15. Where to from here?

I just made a call to the engraver: STOP!
Franco had it, now, who knows....

Phil Taffa's been hiding out in some cave in Afganistan for years before coming back, vowing to 'take this damn Cup from these camel-f**king infidels". Can he do it? Maybe.
Can the other Phil, of the Smith variety, after years of ending pretty much out of contention become contant?
And what about the mysterious Bobcat, will he unmasked on his way to he victory dais?
Basically any of the top 15 could easily stumble into the top 8 by simply not stumbling while those around them crumble.
It's exciting. Keep watching.

*** Spoiler alert. I've seen this one, Edwards comes home with a wet sail, rising the like the Phoenix from 28th to win on the last game of the season. It's a great ending and totally believable.***

Anyway back to reality... The Dons are being hard done by. Yeah.

Brenton: Jim Parsons from the Big Bang Theory and possibly Jimmy Bartel? = 1 point
Harv: No time so I'm gonna say Jim Parsons and James Parsons. = 1 point
Taffa: Andrew Carrazzo and Gil McLachlan = 0 points

Round 13. All downhill from here.

I went to the footy sunday. I was happy. I won't bore you beyond that.

Here's what you got up to last weekend and where you finished up at the end of it:

HEADS'n'BALLS

Anything I could add here would be redundant, so I won't.

Taffa is HOT on Harv's tail. He's just in a different suburb, if not state. If not country. 

Both picked 2 this week.

 

R12 Wash-up

Late, so just the ladder, no blether. Basically everyone got either 8 (especially the leaders) or 7 (those looking to and failing to make up some ground.
Apparently there's a new game in town this week with a round ball. Having watched a game last monday where one team kicked 3 goals (well 4 if you count the one the umps stole back) and got a total of 5 free kicks (and still managed to get a totally dogy deliberate outa bounds paid against them) now may be a good time to make the switch. And get some free melodrama thrown in.

PunchDrink #2 is on Thursday 26th (Thursday week). Let me know by then if you're pre-paying for the finals.

HEADS'n'BALLS

Hopefully you saw some of the newly discovered footage of the great John Coleman last week. I believe it was found in a box under someone's bed with a cache of old Peters Ice Cream sticks and a gross of Lifebuoy Soap.
Coleman was good, but I remember watching the great Peter Hudson, and my Dad taking me up to get his autograph at Tulla in the early 70s.

Harv got both JC and PH, Taffa got PH.

ROUND 11: BERNIE FEELIN' MIGHTY FINE

It took 11 weeks but finally someone's done it. One hundred and sixty dollars later, Bernie's gone and pulled it out and waved it about. Fresh from 3 rounds of byes, with dry powder and a wet sail, timing his run to perfection Bernie, Phelo, Burny Feelin, has Jacked the Pot. He's got 160 bucks we've got buckly's, we're back to scratch.

Congrats Bern, the cheque's in the mail. But by the way, have you paid up yet?

Which reminds me now is the time to decide if you want pay up for the finals as well as the H & A season. $70 now as opposed to $80 at season's end, assuming you make it (do I need to keep telling you this? I'm really not sure). Let's say the drop-dead for decision AND payment if you take it up is Thursday 26 June, which also happens to be the next PunchDrink.

To the laddery bit and last week we had a few Drunks all crammed into the same small space at the top of the stairs. now we're back to one. The Franco one. 2 clear and looking a real danger again. He's done it before, he'll do it again one day.

HEADS'n'BALLS

You probably can't remember, but when I put this one up the topic de semaine was racism, the recipient of abuse (that week) was good old Goodesy who fights the good fight through actions and a few well-chosen words.
Go back in the way-back machine a lazy 78 years and the man donning that mantle was Jesse Owen who tore Adolph superiority complex to shreds single-handed. Some things don't seem to progress much.

No real surprises here, Harv got 2. Taffa seems hot in pursuit, he got Goodesy, but traded his hero for a villain coming up with OJ Simpson.

R9. And you can bet there'll be more following...

Big week this week. Took the 3 year old to his first win. We wore our jumpers. He yelled out to Jack. Sang the song. We drank beer and got on the telly. Life doesn't get much better even if the footy could. Just don't mess with his Demons OK?

 

No major movement this week, an extra win'll see you jump about 5 spots, but there's always next week when you get an extra loss and drop 6....

It's Franco, Dirk and Kurtz leading the field. Warning: I've started my move, I went up not down.

 

HEADS'n'BALLS

Easy one this week, as Harv proved within seconds. Two Tommies, or, to quote Harv, Tommy squared. Sleep well champ, your job is done.

I think Harv just may have this. I'm clearly just doing this now cos there'd be a gap at the top of the page if I didn't.

R8 wash-up

It was a week punctuated by the sadness of the passing of Tommy, the total lack of surprise that Sam Newman is a total dickhead, a few more hints that the ongoing ASADASAGA is still ongoing, otherwise the less said about footy by me the better, at the moment.

No-one needs to hear my voice added to the tributes to Tommy Hafey, he was one of those true gentlemen who I've never heard the slightest bad word said about, he presided over the Super-Tiges during one of my favourite periods of this great game (when it was still a great game) and was partly/largely responsible for turning it from a defensive to exciting attacking spectacle. I went to every one of those Grand Finals of that period and it was hard not to be drawn into the Tiger net (unless you were a Blues supporter I guess, but who cares about them).

Hats off for Tommy... I know Harv's in-boxed you with this but what better tribute than a re-run:

And so to this... Suddenly Franco looks to be in charge. He's done it before, can he do it yet again?
Jeez I dunno, probably. Don't ask me, I clearly can't see what's bloody going on from down where I am, but Mr. Boots'n'All Derek is looking ominous at #2 and may well have changed his game plan from all out attack this year.

Heads'n'Balls

The last CelebHeads were the first and last words in footy bosses. The first VFL President Alex McCracken and the last CEO Gill MacLachlan.
We got one (I think) response, and it was 100% correct. No surprises it was Harv, which brings us to this table (put down your glasses):